As clinicians and yoga teachers we must show up fully embodied as who we are and not push away or deny parts of ourselves. The more we can show up in our absolute fullness with the entire mixed bag of our life experience—past, present and future--inside of us and then regulate ourselves, the more we become a literal healing BODY for the client to experience.

People learn by reading books. They read the information and they also have an experience of reading the information.

People learn by hearing words, sounds, instructions, stories etc. And they earn from having the experience of hearing and listening to the sound. One of the reasons poetry and myth work as they do is because the literal vibration created by all the sounds strung together creates an orchestral impact on the person listening. (Some of you know this as that whole mantra, matrika, luminous shabda thing.)

People also learn by seeing. They learn through watching someone do the pose they are struggling with or their therapist model feeling emotion.

There seems to be a place where all these ways of learning intersect, perhaps best referred to as fully embodied learning. (Of course this then begs the question well if the individual is hearing or vision impaired does that mean that can not fully embody learning? To me that seems ridiculous. Of course they can fully embody learn but I think it’s a big philosophical debate of sorts) which is the place where both yoga practice in the presence of a group or teacher and psychotherapy with a skilled clinician (o and coaching totally works that way too so insert that in place if you like or health counselor, you choose.) So people also learn by being in the presence of a body, mind, heart that is integrated and self-sustaining in its regulation. This kind of learning teaches through imprint, resonance, and emulation how to regulate oneself in a crazy and ever quickening world. it employs all the available senses and draws upon processes hard at work behind the scenes of your brain. Personally I think this is a beautiful thing. It gives me hope in the evolution of humanity actually. But more immediately it gives me hope for my future children (some day).

So for me I suppose I want to share with all of you that much of my work in my counseling internship this year has been around how to show up fully and present in my own unfolding experience as Livia, not just as Therapist and still be primarily regulating the client. This translates so immediately into my teaching its sort of weird. When I enter in to teach a yoga class I am not looking to heal psychological wounds or do some Freudian woowoo. I just enter the space as much myself as I possibly can AND keep the primary focus on the students. I don’t pretend to know what is best for them but I also don’t pretend like don’t know things they could try.

And of course even above and beyond or perhaps deeper and below that all I am really trying to do is be human like the student. We spend a lot of time and money on SELF-improvement, SELF-help, SELF-actualization but in reality the kind of improvement, help, and actualization we seek seems dependent on interactions with other people seeking the same goals (aims, intentions etc.). We spend a lot of time trying to access all the Siddhis of yoga, but the greatest Siddhi is that of being human to one’s fullest capacity. It is the mantra of “How can I regulate you by regulating me”.  And so we empower by being together. 

I was recently asked to write a piece for the Eating Disorders Network of Central Maryland. I used to work for the organization and they do incredible work in the Maryland area. I highly recommend you look into their work and especially if you or someone you know needs resources around disordered eating patterns. For me the story of this stuff is a bit old and boring at this point and so I took the creative route in sharing what I could.

A letter to myself as a teenager from the woman I am today….I have a feeling she is in you too.

Dear Me,

I know you wish you felt safe, loved and secure. So I am writing to you a letter from your future Self--the SELF that knows things turn out okay-the SELF that knows what love is inside and out.

I know you wished you had more friends at school. I know it is hard to believe you are worthy of any attention and love.  And despite your utter terror of closeness, it is all you really want. I know you feel abandoned, abused and used. It is so hard to see you so sad. You are so frail but you have built a fortress to protect yourself. It is covered in barbed wire and electric fences. It is scary to be inside those walls and it is scary to be outside those walls. I know how trapped you are.

I know you think you are better, more lovable and special the skinnier you get. I can see that strange deranged self-righteousness you hold inside that chip on your shoulder. I can see deep inside you--your fear and loneliness.  Good work with the straight A’s and deans list by the way. Somehow though I don’t think that fills the gaping whole in your heart. I know you wish you could let people in and that really you are just afraid. I can see how angry you are for how things have turned out. I know underneath all that anger, all those explosions going off inside, you just feel betrayed. I know you see how sad you are. I can see you making the effort to try and love yourself.  And I can see how hard it is for you.

I know how happy and excited you are to leave home and be free and on your own. I can see how hard you are trying to become yourself--to claim your own space in the world. I know you are used to imploding on yourself so you do it over and over it again like a bad habit. I can see all the friction between the self-loathing and the attempts to cultivate self-love. You play yourself like a ping-pong ball back and forth, back and forth. Girl, you must be exhausted.

I know it’s hard to understand that life is just a series of changes occurring through time. I can see how tired you are of trying to be perfect and so you are rebelling against yourself. I see you madly trying to stay small as if that would make things right. You seem distraught and disheveled. You seem lost and confused.

One day you will see and believe your size and your worth are not the same. When you are older you will know what it is too walk on two feet and that sometimes you just walk with a limp, letting people love all the cracks in you. One day you will come to see that there is more to life than this scary time. There is a big wide life waiting for you to fill with joy, laughter, health and love.  

Dear sweet, young, me who doesn’t see how perfect she is already. I am here. I am waiting for you. I am on the side where hope lives. Trust, truth and honesty live there too. I am leaving the light on for you, Me. Take your time. I will be here with the arms of forgiveness wide open.  

With Love and Respect,

Your future SELF

The top 10 phrases I found myself saying while teaching yoga in 2012. There is no way I could order these because they are all so ridiculous. But yes, they came out of my mouth. Interestingly enough my class sizes doubled this year. Consolidating an army of yoga masochists perhaps? Na, we just had some serious good hardy fun, worked hard, and grew up, got real, and did YOGA. Personally I am looking forward to more crazy phrases in the year ahead as it unfolds (ecstatically of course). If yesterdays New Years Eve class I co taught with my yoga brothers is any indication, there certainly will be come good ones. Come to class. Maybe you will be blessed by my yelling too.

1. I’ll tell it to you plane.

2. Look it

3. Um, so you are not really doing what I am saying.

3. You are supposed to struggle

5. Iron claw it

6. This shit be hard

7. No sissy pants lunges

8. Stretch everything

9. Crank that

10. Is this working? Is this fun for you?

All in good spirit and love,

Livs