Wedding Bells

The snow falling down outside my window, fire on, tea in hand, hanuman chalesa playing, basking in an afterglow of sitting in circle with some of my closest women dear to my heart from infancy through older adulthood.

I feel inspired to write.

The muse is funny, you never now when a strong wave will hit you.

I believe finding the right partner is like the coming of the muse. You never know when and where the wave of infinite love is coming.

I am empty and humble in the face of Krishna. There is a profound letting go of hard unnecessary will force. I am letting go of never being enough. I am releasing seeing the world through the lens that things need to be different and that IT (whatever the it might be) is not enough. It truly is enough. At every level it is enough.

There is absolutely nothing more I could have said, done or changed in order to prepare myself for this man. I have done the incredible soul searching, the hard old pattern excavation. I have tested and been tested. I have been hurt by my love and stayed. I have been broken hearted by our love and allowed the feelings of mistrust, fear and anger to break my heart more and more until only a new heart was able to form from the speckles of dust I thought were true.

HE is enough.

I have observed someone transform at a deep core level in order to serve my life force without loosing sight and integrity of their soul and purpose. This, I am realizing, perhaps for the first time, is the deepest gift I have been given from the man I love. He has stood upright and strong with a willingness to serve, but not indulge my madness. He has welcomed the wild in my heart in a productive life giving way. He has opened himself to being touched, moved, and inspired by love. This man, this relationship, the good work we have done  together is truly, Enough.

There is a word in Hebrew--Hineni--it means here I am.

So I stand finally as bride empty and yet so full. I stand here with no fear of the other in my heart. I have only the silent inner prayer. “This is enough”

I stand here saying, “here I am”. I am here, humble servant to love. In the end my soul has been left with no choice but to join and be grown by something much bigger than anything I could have ever imagined was capable inside this small body-fractal of the universe.

I am enough.

You are enough

We are enough.

Hineni.